she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
