I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Houston, we have a blender
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
