does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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