you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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