thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
