you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Small penises have feelings too.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
