WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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