at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Floor bacon is actually really good
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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