fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
