Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
