I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
