Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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