I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
