We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
