I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
