Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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