my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
