bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
