Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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