listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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