Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
