3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
