i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
