There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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