I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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