I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
