"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
we're making bets on your personal life
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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