Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
