do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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