so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
