Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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