You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
