did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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