my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
