I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
