Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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