Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You took a bar mat shot.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
