Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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