Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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