So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
