So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
