I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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