the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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