im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
