I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
