Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
