I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
