Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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