My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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