I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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