I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
