my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
NoShamevember. You game?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
