dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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