I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
