do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
